On Rejection Part 2: The 8 Stages of Rejection

So what was my profound realization about rejection? That it has distinct stages. Once you understand the stages, it's a lot easier to gain some perspective and actually have a good laugh about the whole situation later. I can't promise it will make you feel any better during actual rejection, but I still found it pretty humorous when I realized that I've gone through this process every time I've been rejected my entire life. Next time I get rejected, I'll be able to observe the process even more, not that I'm looking forward to it mind you.

The Stages of Rejection:

Just like the stages of any experience, you may or may not experience all of these each and every time. In fact, maybe I'm the only person who goes through this. Anyway, here they are:

1. Shock

I think the amount of shock depends on how sure you were that you would not be rejected, but there's almost always some shock associated with rejection. You stare in disbelief, you hope you're dreaming, you just can't imagine that they would reject you. But there it is staring you in the face. REJECTED. When my art was rejected, I stood there outside the bathroom looking at the frames in a pile and my stomach sank. After a few double-takes, the idea starts to settle in and you move to the next step...

2. Hurt

In the hurt stage, you are the most vulnerable. You are genuinely wounded by the rejection. Depending on how important acceptance was, you may actually cry or put your head in your hands with genuine disappointment. If it was a small rejection, you might just have a tiny moment of internal pain, but regardless, this is the stage where you feel the pure "ouch" of rejection. Once the hurt is sufficiently realized, you move on to...

3. Anger
In the anger stage, you really aren't blaming anyone for the rejection yet, but you are pretty irate. Again, depending on the severity you might be just a little annoyed or ready to set something on fire. Either way, you spent a lot of time and you are ANGRY. If anyone has the misfortune of trying to comfort you or "fix it" during this stage, they may get some harsh words or a glare for their trouble. (Unsuspecting husbands - here's the stage that you might want to simply agree with your spouse and listen.) As the pure anger subsides you move to...

4. Self-doubt (It's not you, it's me)
I'm sure some of you are so advanced that you skip this stage altogether, but if I'm being honest I have to say that I experience this one with nearly every rejection. The anger has subsided and now you are asking yourself - am I to blame? Was the work I did not good enough? Am I a crappy writer/photographer/designer/fill-in-the-blank? Do I have what it takes? Am I worthy? No matter who tells you how awesome you are, you won't believe them during this stage. (Yes spouses, just keep listening). Once you stop feeling like you might be the problem you move to...

5. Blame (It's not me, it's you)
If you're not the problem, it must be them! For me, this stage culminated in me and a friend chatting on the phone about how the jurors for the art show didn't know what they were talking about. They must have rejected me because I don't have any connections there as I'm not technically an art student - because everything is always about politics, isn't it? And besides, my work is the best thing ever, so there must be some shady "reason" they didn't accept it. Whether you've not gotten a second job interview or you've lost out on an article, at this stage you really believe that it's because the other party is dishonest, shady, unfair, partial, nepotistic - whatever. Don't worry, I'm not suggesting that they aren't. It may very well be that they didn't choose you for the job because they don't like people who wear their hair in ponytails. I once knew someone who actually criticized and rejected a candidate because he didn't polish his shoes before the interview. This is also the stage where your friends try to convince you that it couldn't possibly have been you or your work. "Oh please, I read that query letter and it was the best article pitch in the history of pitches."  (Spouses, now is the time to step in and shake your collective fist at the world). This stage can go on for a long, long time until you move on to...

6. Comparing
This stage only happens if you have access to the accepted materials. I, for instance, walk past the gallery often and I can see this crappy photo of a broken t.v. set hanging in there. What made that better than my a"Muse" bouche, which was a beautiful selection of black and white photos of my dear friend Jenna in some interesting and profound poses? The comparing stage can be especially frustrating and pointless. Whether or not I love that t.v. photo, someone saw the beauty in it and chose it for the show. It was probably one of the juror's favorite students or something (and there I go back to stage 5). Once you've done all the comparing you can do, you move on to...

7. Resignation
In this stage, you just stop caring (or at least tell yourself that you don't care anymore.) Occasionally you slip back into the blame stage when the rejection comes up in conversation. In fact, you can regress to pretty much any point of the process and go through it all over again if the rejection was particularly hurtful. It's not that you're "over it," although you probably think you are. Instead, you are choosing to ignore the hurt feelings that the rejection caused and move on with your life. After a while you'll finally reach...

8. Healing
Once you have adequately mourned and raged over the rejection, it's time for the healing to begin. This is the point at which you accept the fact that your work may have been rejected unfairly or it may have been rejected because it wasn't right for the project/show/bid, or maybe you just didn't do a great job on this particular query. Then, once you've accepted that, you stand back and say "it's o.k. self, I know that you are a wonderful, worthwhile and talented human being. Even if this wasn't your time, your time will come." Then, you give yourself a hug, go back to doing what you love and get ready to put yourself back out there again. I hope to reach this stage soon. In the meantime, my photos are living in the trunk of my car, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Whether or not I will ever enter another art show remains to be seen.

Sometimes these stages happen in a half-an-hour span and sometimes they take weeks or months. It all depends on your personality and the size of the rejection you have experienced. Some of us go straight from 1-7, some of us skip a few and some of us go back and repeat stages over and over, but all of us have experienced some of the above feelings about rejection at some point.

So, next time you find yourself in the throes of a rejection, think about the above and step outside the situation a little bit. Find humor in your theory that the editor rejected your article because he felt intimidated by your intelligence or he didn't like the fact that you used calibri instead of helvetica. And for heaven's sakes, be patient and forgiving with yourself. You are a wonderful human being with lots of potential! Do your best every day and eventually there will be way more acceptances than rejections. I'll just keep on telling myself that when I walk past the student show in the art gallery for the next few weeks, scowling at that photo of the broken old t.v. that doesn't even seem nearly as good as my photos. Ha.

Comments

[Dave]

hey just FYI I was fired yesterday and i found your article comforting. Just though you would like to know you help me out alittle. Thank you

[Julie Cajigas]

Dave - I'm glad it was of some comfort to you. Life certainly has ups and downs, but hopefully there are more ups than downs in your near future ;). Good luck Dave!